Neuveritelna Lehkost Byti - Kundera

If every second of our life recurs and infinite number of times, we are nailed to eternity...terryfying prospect...unbearable responsibility lies heavy on every move we make...eternal return "das schwerste Gewicht"...If eternal return is the heaviest of burdens, then our lives can stand out against it in all their splendid lightness...But is lightness truly splendid?
The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfiullment...Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air...become only half real, his movements are as free as they are insignificant.
What shall we choose?

Weight or lightness?

Bday weekend

Nikki,Aakash&I visiting Ataturk
Originally uploaded by ivuskawalterova.

Two days ago was my bday, and since I am too busy to leave this place, all the three ppl that I love the most in Istanbul came to visit (jak se rika, kdyz nemuze Mohammed k hore, musi hora k Mohammedovi - just really wanted to write that saying being in Turkey and all). Nikki, Sefer and Aakash came for two days and some of my friends here took care of a party for me and I had the best bday in some years. We did lots of talking (beside the party stuff), the weather was great and my fall blues went for some time. I love these people with their constructive ideas and ways of looking at things differently. Anyway this is Nikki, Aakash and I in front of Ataturk mausoleum on Sunday, it's the only pic I have so far but hopefully will be able to put up more soon.


Nikki has written a way more detailed post about the weekend but I thought that adding some pictures to it, since I finally have them and also have time to put them up, would be nice...
The view to one side and to the other side of the table


The Hostess (Deniz), Ale and I

Nikki, Aakash and I

could be my the view from my window
Originally uploaded by ivuskawalterova.

could be my the view from my window - Bileknt dorms

the dorms
Originally uploaded by ivuskawalterova.

the view into our windows
Bilekent dorms

How it feels to understand only a half of the world around

I have been living in this country for little more than a year now. Previous to my arrival I had some Turkish language prep, although when I look back now it was rather poor. Throughout my first year here I mostly lived in English in a pretty international environment and I continue to do so here in Ankara although most people prefer not to speak to me cause their English just isn't good enough (or at least I hope that's the reason).
In the beginning the lack of knowledge of Turkish hasn't really bothered me since I could get around and besides I learned quite a lot in a relatively short time. So I was mostly better in Turkish than other foreigners around me although not good enough to interact with the environment around me beyond basic things.
After a few months I started feeling handicapped. I couldn't just read the headlines in newspapers as I was walking on the street, I couldn't just overhear news or conversations. I started feeling as if most of the life around me is hidden from me because I cannot understand it. Even then however I lived in my bubble with quite a few other people (Istanbul603!!) so things weren't really all that uncomfortable.
As I arrived in Ankara though things got worse. I thought that here I would be able to take intense Turkish classes and rapidly improve. This however isn't the case as foreigners usually have no Turkish knowledge, so I am the best in my class but still cannot effectivelly communicate on more complex subjects. As there is (for Turkey) a relatively high foreign student population in Bilkent, everyone knows some English, so I am not as often forced into using the little I know. Most importantly as a masters student I just simply don't have the time. As much as I know how important it is to learn the language, it's also as important to get my school work done. So I continue being left out...
It's so constraining not to understand people, news, TV, radio, random words, not even being able to go to the movies to see an interesting European film. I can speak to people and understand them but can I ever actually grasp the local culture if I cannot communicate anything of importance to a regural Turkish person?

Fall feelings in Ankara

I am definitelly starting to feel that I have moved to a cold place (OK maybe noone can really believe me but after experiencing many different places, assuming I dont like cold places, I think that Ankara is cold) The leaves have started to turn colous and fall, they turned the heating on two weeks ago. The uni is in full swing and I'm fully under stress.
Since I have left home 7 and some years ago and went to live about as far as I could have, I have been thinking about what's important in life. Is it being with people one loves and doing sth one enjoys at the moment or is it working hard for the best future possible. For me this question was this black and white most of the time because I felt I could live in the present at home and for the future abroad. This is not a place to try to explain why I feel this way but there has always been this distinction in my mind (although my life in the US has been happy and with people I cared about).
So eventually I found myself in Istanbul, I loved my life there and I knew that precisely because of working for the best future possible all my life I was able to be there. And so working for the future has finally brought results. I have no idea where would I have been if I would have gone home after that one exchange year in the US but I believe that I was better off in Istanbul. Therefore I decided to continue to work for the future. I came to Ankara to spend here 2 years after which I should ideally be an expert in the language, culture and area.
The more time I spend here however, the less I believe in the wiseness of this choice. This definitely has two reasons and possibly three. First one is that I re-found how wonderful it is to be with someone I love and the only thing my heart wants is to pack everything and take the first plane to Germany. Second, I am quite disappointed with my studies. Taking beginning Turkish and not being able to take basically any class that would satisfy my interest in Turkey or the Middle East is not what I expected of this place. Although I know that I am brodening my horizons and learning many interesting things, I am not satisfied. Third, and I am actually not too sure how valid this reason is, is that I feel that at some point one's priorities in life start changing. Before I had a need to move to a new place and discover new things if I was somewhere for as much as a year; before I was dreading the fact that one day I will settle down and will never leave. Now I miss having a regural home, I hate living in dorm rooms, I hate having to pack and move all the time. In some way I just wish I had a regural life in a place I know with people I know, with my own living room and a bathtop... I am not sure if this change came with age or with the current situation but I definitely feel it...

I am not complaining or packing, I just wanted to write about my own blues during the Ankara fall...